Aw man. So... yeah. Breakdown of EPIC PROPORTIONS yesterday. I didn't go to work, I just stayed home and cried and screamed all day. Like, I already got pushed over the edge a while ago with my last meltdown but somehow suddenly there was yet another edge and I got pushed over that and it was much much worse. The anxiety I felt all weekend about going back to work, how fucking sick I got on Sunday and continued to feel yesterday, and, yeah, the Capital City Guy/Hobo thing kinda did it. It's just like... BOOM SO MUCH GOING WRONG. And... yeah. Yesterday was not pretty.

I sent Capital City Guy a few texts in the morning because I was getting really scared of what I'd do to myself, I felt so bad. Now I realize there is a limit to how many times I can threaten suicide to this guy but I was, like, freaking out. And he's told me a few times now that if I ever feel like that I need to tell him. So he kept in contact with me throughout the day, even though he was working, and came over afterwards for a while. Calmed me down. I feel a lot more at peace about everything now. However, whether or not that feeling will remain is another matter entirely. But one day at a time. Like even though half my brain knows everything will be fine, it can't convince the other half of my brain. And it's that half of my brain that makes me go absolutely insane every once in a while.

Oh, but I had some nice messages from people yesterday, because I did decide to go public with my breakdown on Facebook (cuz that's what people do, right?) and that made me feel better and less alone. I even had a really nice message from Cool Dorky Guy, even after Capital City Guy and my mom said something about how it was possible one of the two co-workers I have as Facebook friends could decide to tell the manager that I didn't call in sick because I was sick, I called in sick because I was CRAZY. But first of all... I'm pretty sure Cute Emo Boy has better things to do than Facestalk me, and honestly I'm quite surprised he hasn't unfriended me yet. Plus he's so non-confrontational... and I have way worse shit on him like how he's come to work high on drugs. So I didn't consider him to be much of a threat, haha. And Cool Dorky Guy is just so cool and mellow... by far the most mellow person at work... so I wasn't worried about him. And the fact that he sent me a message to see how I was doing meant a lot.

So I don't really know where I'm going from here. I just need to take it one day at a time, like I said. I know a huge problem is that I just need to get away, and it's just a few weeks now until I can do that. I just need to hang in there, do things that make me happy, and remember that no matter how tragically and hopelessly alone and doomed I feel sometimes... I'm actually not.

And that's the end of that chapter. Hopefully.