Ugh, so yesterday... cue my complete emotional breakdown. I just flipped out. And for the first time in a long while, thought I might harm myself in some kind of way so I went for a walk... which wasn't great because I was, like, bawling the entire time. But when I started to calm down a bit, I came home and sat in the shower for, like, half a hour. Just sat there. Couldn't even stand. Sat and was just, like, competely numb all of a sudden. Then Capital City Guy started to express a concern about my well being, especially since I sent him a text message about how I thought I might kill myself, so I went over to his place for a while and bawled some more while he held me and put up with my shit like he so often does.

I'm better now, though. Well in the sense that I no longer feel like offing myself and a tiny bit of hope has crept back into my body. But I'm not great. I could very well also spend a great deal of today crying. But we'll see.

So many things. So many things. I don't even want to talk about it. I don't even scratch the surface in here about what's going on in my life and in my brain.

Anyways, other news... Token Foreign Friend invited me to this dinner/dance thing she wants to go to in the Big City on my birthday. And I accidently said sure before she really gave me any details. Then I kinda said I'd have to think about it. But, yeah, it's in the Big City and SHE WANTS TO DRIVE THERE... uh... I don't want to die on my birthday, kthx. She is NOT a good driver and I don't think she realizes how crazy the traffic is in the Big City because she's never been there. Also tickets for this thing cost 80 bucks, and it's a Sri Lankan thing. And as much as I absolutely adore Token Foreign Friend and she's the most legitimately sweet and kind person I know... I can't imagine being in a room with, like, 100 of her. Gives me a headache just thinking about it. Maybe if it was HER birthday and it didn't cost 80 bucks, I'd go. But it's MY birthday and, um... this just isn't the kind of thing I wanted to do. Maybe that makes me a bad person, I dunno.

So Capital City Guy at his work has been doing this temporary assignment which was kind of like a temporary promotion... but it was just for 6 months then he had to reapply for it. And, like, his attitude towards his job and towards life has been improved dramatically while he's been doing this. He's really excelled with lots of positive feedback from his superiors, and it's really boosted his self esteem. But, yes, it has ended and he had to reapply and... he didn't get it. Cue distraut Capital City Guy. So he's not much fun. Neither am I, mind you, but he's supposed to be my rock. Even though in a way he is more emotionally unstable than I am. So he's blaming everything and everyone in what he considers to be a huge failure and setback for him, and just in general re-evaluating his life. He figures he's not going to drink anymore, because he thinks the fact that he had a few beers the night before the test to relax caused him not to score as high as he could have. And all this. I dunno. We'll see what happens with him.

He's also planning a Wii night at his place on Friday with, like, a bajillion people. When he does this crazy "I'm socialable and popular" thing all of a sudden, it's because he's overcompensating for something. So I agreed to go before I realized there were going to be about 10 people there in his tiny apartment that is about the same size as my bedroom. No word of a lie. His apartment is a closet. So because my anxiety is so high lately and it doesn't take much to spark a claustrophobic freakout on my part... eh, I just may skip it. For everyone's benefit.

Well... I should try to get some more sleep now.