Yeah, more stuff has happened than I really have time to write about at 2:30 in the morning when I should be sleeping but lemme try to sum up. Okay, first of all... Capital City Guy = OUT OF HIS FUCKING MIND. We reconciled briefly after the incident in my last entry, but then he started getting really weird... saying he's been doing a lot of thinking and wants to be together, and more together than he ever wanted to be when we were together... I'm saying he said he wants to live together, get married, have kids. And when I was less than enthusiastic about this, he had a mental breakdown and, get this... on Friday night, he called me CRYING. Um... Capital City Guy does not cry. God knows that in some of my worst moments I've tried to get him crying just so I wasn't the only one wasting tears all over the place. But he just doesn't cry... until Friday night because of how he's fucked it up with me.
I was in Nutty McShitville for the weekend, so I haven't seen him since the Male's going away party on Thursday (yes, the Male FINALLY went back home... seemed like he was here for an awfully long time), but I did grant him a half hour long phone call on Saturday that he requested, where he basically poured his heart out to me and there were lots of awkward silences because I'll be goddamned if I knew what to say to about half of it. But I was honest, and I'm actually impressed with a lot of what I've said... no matter how much I am still very in love with him, I'm EXTREMELY FUCKING HESITANT to enter into things again, because our track record is not very good and I'm just reallly not as optimstic about a future together as he suddenly is. Plus my overwhelming desire to just be single and free and live my life alone is just... well, overwhelming. But I did say I'd seriously consider his offer, which I feel I at least owe him... and I arranged to see him and talk more in person today after work. I've pretty much made up my mind, though, and and have ever since he first brought this up... no way. I'm not putting myself through this again. I won't be hurt by him anymore. As much as I still want him in my life in some way, and saying no to this will almost definitely mean we won't be able to even be friends... I can't do it.
Plus I just like where things with Cute Emo Boy are going. We've clicked on a level that I don't think Capital City Guy and I ever have, which is why I would choose a guy who I've been only going out with for about a month who I enjoy because he's simply adorable, over the man who I've been with (off and on) for over a year and a half and am still very very much in love with and will be for quite a while even after it's over. As much as it breaks my heart, I just know in my head that for the sake of EVERYONE (including my readers, who would likely boycott me for being so stupid), I can't be sucked in by him again. I've thought about it a lot, I've talked about it with my mom and my friends over the weekend... I need to do this for me.
Being in love is fuckin' dumb.
Anyways, I guess I should attempt sleep again or else work is going to suck even more ass than usual. Oh, good old Cute Emo Boy, though... as much as we have zero contact with eachother at work, just him being there and seeing him... well, it helps me get through the day. He met me at the bus depot yesterday when I got back, and we walked around and had dinner then came back here and hung out and had very sweaty sex... good times, albeit it extremely sweaty times. I look forward to seeing him again in less than 5 hours. Shit, I really need to get some sleep.