Last night wasn't as fabulous as I envisioned. I ate like all these chips and Pop Tarts and various candies and drank about a litre of Diet Pepsi and then ended up throwing it all up. I can't remember the last time I threw up for reasons other than alcohol. But I just couldn't stop eating, I needed to do something. But ugh, I started to feel so sick... I writhed and moaned in pain for about half an hour before I was finally able to throw up and it... was... kinda... glorious. Because you almost always feel better after throwing up. Fantastic release. Then the pain was gone. And I went to sleep.

I'm a little bit concerned with my behaviour lately... I've noticed a trend where this seems to happen shortly before I go to Nutty McShitville... it's probably just frustration with not being able to go home RIGHT NOW like I want to and having to wait. I get really self-destructive and I start to break down. It's just really really not good. Today I just don't even know what to do with myself... I kinda just wanna die.

I hate how Giggles texts me a couple times then calls me... making me feel obligated to answer because she knows I'm with my phone cuz I just replied to her texts... it's like how she traps me. And I've gotten to the point where I'm just downright rude to her on the phone. I'm rude to everyone on the phone when they call me. I hate talking on the phone. I hate it and it pisses me off and it's hard for me. I wish people would understand this.

I know this may seem like a horrible decision, especially considering how I've been lately, but I'm seriously considering going off the anti-depressants. They make me delightfully numb sometimes, but they've also put me in a constant state of fatigue and weight gain and I still get extreme manic episodes and mood swings from time to time. I don't know if it's worth it anymore. But then, when I think what happened the last time I went off them... hmm. I don't know. I'm conflicted. This is something I want to discuss with my mom next weekend when I go home... I'm not so much interested in discussing it with a doctor, though, cuz doctors are of absolutely no fucking good. But I dunno, I need to do something. The only thing that really sucks is if I go off them, which I feel I should, but then stuff happens and I need to go back on them... ugh. I was literally out of comission for a month last time. Remember that, last September when I quit my job and got back on anti-depressants all in the same day and was pretty much just in a coma for a month? Never again. Never ever again.

So I probably sound thoroughly crazy now... but I just don't know what to do with myself. I might call Capital City Guy later to see if he wants some company... there's one person almost as screwed up as me, whether he wants to admit it or not. I don't really want to do anything but I don't want to be alone either and we've both agreed, this is kind of why we work. So yeah. But if he's retreated into his shell so much that he doesn't want to see me, well then... yeah, I dunno what I'll do tonight besides probably just go completely insane. And I've done enough of that already.