Ugh, today has not been fun. Couldn't get much sleep, was all weepy at work, have been extremely weepy this evening... it's just that right now I feel like I'll never ever find a guy as sweet and great as him. It was the perfect mix of sex and an actual caring relationship... it was far from perfect but so far it's the most perfect I've had and... also lets face it, we've been dating since last November. That is by far the longest time I've been involved with someone. So it's harsh for it to finally be completely over. Even though we've had many mini-overs. It's final now. It's done. It hurts so bad I want to die.

But I'll get over it. I know I will.

So I never talked about dinner with ADD. It was good. It was fun, we went out for Vietnamese food, which I hadn't had before. Wasn't bad. Then we walked around, he walked me home... good times. Still don't know if I like the guy. He sure does like me, though, and he has a lot of respect for me... I can tell. It's so fucking dumb that I'm this upset about Capital City Guy when there's an, in theory, much better guy pretty much staring me in the face. I hate the way I am, it's like there's something in me that makes me as miserable as I can possibly be in any given situation. I just wish I could let go and move on... it's something I should have done a long time ago.

So goddamn yeah, I didn't sleep much last night. Good thing I had a Rockstar in the fridge waiting for me. God bless the Rockstar. I hope I get a good night's sleep tonight, though, cuz I don't have another one. Then I tried to have a nap this evening but it just wasn't happening. I'm gonna go to bed soon and hopefully cry myself to sleep. Sometimes it just feels so good to cry. I'm such a crier, I really am. It's just a good release. It's probably the best release I know. Followed by writing, followed by walking... yeah, those are my three things. I'm not a yeller, I'm not a talker, I'm not a fighter, I can't put my sadness into art or anything like that... so those are my releases. And hey, I've done two today. But not much walking. Too tired.

I made the greatest sandwich today. Ranch dressing, spinach, pea pods, and a slice of cheese. Goddamn. Better than I thought it would be. And there I was all irritated that I had no meat for my sandwich. My vegetarian sandwich worked out just fine.

Oh, I'm dying, I'm dying. Good thing I have an almost full box of Kleenex here. I'll need it. I'm going to bed now. Hopefully I'll be less self pitying tomorrow. Hopefully the radio and my mp3s won't depress me so much tomorrow. Holy fuck, I usually listen to the radio in the morning and part of the afternoon, then switch to mp3s, but today... this one song on the radio... there weren't even any words at the time but the music was just so sad... instant tears. I had to switch to mp3s because at least I can control those, unlike what's being played on the radio. And, yeah, certain songs come on and it's just instant waterworks. It's funny how much music can affect you, depending on your mood. It's a little bit scary. I'm just so glad I had my bangs covering my face today... made it all a little less obvious.

I'm such a pathetic wreck. Bedtime.