So... Capital City Guy broke it off with me completely last night. Can't say I didn't see it coming, can't say I don't deserve it but... goddamn. He did it in a weird way, like it came more out of nowhere and with more fumbling around with stupid reasons than the times I've broken up with him. At first he made it seem like he wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend again. And I would have happily gone with that. I think things between us have been so so so great since we went back to just being a casual thing. But he says that he'd feel weird about dating other girls while still being involved with me. Even though he knows, to a degree, about ADD and me. So, yeah, he said no more seeing eachother. We'd be just friends, only if both of us decided we felt comfortable with that.

So I cried. And I cried. And I cried and I cried and I cried and I never ever ever ever stopped crying, it seemed. I was so upset... I saw it coming but I didn't see it coming this soon and in this way. I called him after I got back from dinner with ADD, mainly because I wanted to see how he was doing. It was 8:30, he said he was really tired... he had a long shinadigin-filled day cuz his dad and step-mom had been in town. But he asked if I wanted to come over to watch the movie we rented on Friday and never got to. So I ran over, he put the movie in, but before he started it he was like "I think I'm too tired to watch a whole movie." So I was like "Well we don't have to watch it." And he was like "Yeah. Let's just talk a bit."

And... yeah. It started off with this survey I filled out on Facebook because I was bored Saturday night. He said he read it and he was all "So, you're not happy with our relationship, huh?" And I said the only thing I wasn't happy with was the fact that we weren't in one. And he was all "Yeah, but you know nothing has really changed since we broke up, we're still doing the same thing. The only thing that has changed is our Facebook relationship statuses, really." And I'm all "Yeeeah. But the last few weeks have been really great, I just wish you were still technically my boyfriend." And he started talking about, like we've talked about before, how we love eachother so much but we're not right for eachother, we lack a deep connection and he could never see any long term potential with me... like getting married and having kids. And I then confessed that I actually felt like he was someone that I could see myself marrying.

And we kept talking and... I dunno, I semi-missed something, something he said must have completely went over my head because I missed the exact moment where he said he didn't want to see me in a romantic way anymore. We were both really tired... I asked if he minded if I spent the night, cuz I didn't want to walk home, and he was like "Well... if we're not going to continue seeing eachother, you spending the night would be too weird. I'll just drive you home." THEN it hit me, what he was doing. And I just kinda like slid to the other end of the couch, looked at him and was like "You don't want to see me at all anymore then?" And I just burst into tears. I sobbed. I went through, like, half a box of kleenex. I was a hysterical mess. I pleaded with him to change his mind, but he stood firm on how he needed to meet new people and how he didn't think he could when still having an emotional attachment to me. Even though he has no one in mind at all right now. I told him how much easier for me it would actually be if he broke up with because he had found someone better, instead of just breaking up with me in the hopes of finding someone better. I don't even want to think about all the pleading I did with him to reconsider. Twas not one of my finer moments.

Then, yeah, my extreme hysterical sadness just turned to anger and I asked him to take me home. And... yeah. I don't even think I can be friends with him, I think it'll be too hard for me because I love him so much and I want him so much. I'm going to think about this. I don't want to talk to him for a while. I left a bunch of movies at his place, and I still have his DS and a book of his... I'm gonna give it maybe like a week then send him a message on Facebook telling him I want to swap our stuff back. And I'll see how I feel then. But I feel like I'm losing my best friend right now, because I am. And aw man, at the time when I was still at his place and I was crying... I literally felt like I could not go on. Like there was absolutely no way. And that feeling has lessened now but... aw man. I'm going to be a bit of a wreck for a while. Even though all this was justified, and the rational part of me knows it. It's just the love I feel for him is still so strong, and really has only gotten stronger over the past few weeks... I've loved him for a while but the past little while I've felt myself truly fall in love with him. So this fucking sucks, this is hard, and I'm gonna need a few days to heal.