And, you know, blah blah blah... we're still gonna talk (which isn't going to be very much, clearly, since it hasn't been very much all along...), we will remain on good terms, we're not ruling anything out for the future, especially since I'm still hoping to possibly move to Capital City sometime this year... he said he'll still let me stay at his place while I find my own, use his connections to possibly hook me up with a job, all that stuff... he said if I ever have a moment of weakness and want to come down for a weekend, he'd gladly accept me. And he apologised for wooing me with all of these romantic gestures when he knew all along that he wouldn't be able to be there for me like he knew I'd come to expect and want him to be. Fuck, it was all very emotional. I've started crying again just writing about this.
And, yeah, last night... cried myself to sleep. Been crying on and off all morning. Bawled hysterically in the shower because... I dunno, the shower is probably the greatest place in the world to cry. I'm gonna have to use at least double the amount of concealer I usually do, because under my eyes just look like absolute hell... all blotchy and puffy and pretty much like I've spent the past 12+ hours crying.
I've never totally understood why people who choose to end a relationship can get so upset about it because it was their damn choice to do so... I'll never forget how pissed I was on New Years Eve 2006 when the Little Chickita was cry-eyeing all over the place because she just broke it off with her boyfriend... if you still cared about them that much, why would you do that? I never totally understood. But now I do. Because I care about this guy a whole fucking lot... which is why I started to feel like I couldn't have myself all wrapped up in him if this was what it was going to be like. Fuck, this is harsh. I don't regret it... I felt a huge weight taken off as soon as I said the words "I can't do this anymore"... but still at the same time it hurts soooo much and I pretty much just want to die right now.
Work today should be fun. No doubt if somebody even looks at me the wrong way, I'll burst into tears. At least it's my beloved 3-9 shift. And I still hope and pray that my supervisor is on the early shift today like I believe she is. Well, we'll see.
Oh, and I sent Thing 1 a text message last night saying we broke up and she called me shortly afterwards to make sure I was okay. Then she's texted me a couple times this morning to check up on me. She's a pretty good friend in those regards. Sometimes she's not totally selfish. But, of course, every time it's just made me start crying again.
So, you know... it's my weekend off and... I did say I'd probably go to Cracktown to visit with Thing 1 but... I haven't spend a damn weekend off at home since I moved here and... I think I want to. My mom thinks I'm probably getting really physically and emotionally tired because I've been taking off out of town so often. So I'll probably just hang out here. And go insane, no doubt. Maybe I'll go downtown, buy myself something pretty with the money I'll be saving by no longer taking off to Capital City so often. A little shopping therapy never hurt anybody.