Okay, I first heard about this lovely corporation that I now work for back in early 2004. And I thought it just sounded like the most fabulous place on the planet to work. And even though, at the time, I hated Cracktown with a fiery passion and swore up and down that I'd never live in such a festering shithole, I thought "Well, hmm. Might be worth it to be able to work at a place like that, though."
Flash forward a couple of years... I actually moved here for this job. I left my comfy middle class life behind to move to a city that I hated to work at this job that would leave me living just slightly under the poverty line. But it didn't matter, because I thought for sure this was the kind of thing I wanted to do. I thought I was made for this.
Can you see where this is going?
I have never been under such a huge impression that I've made one of the worst judgement calls of my life. I mean... I don't regret moving to Cracktown. It's so true that I held such a deep hatred for this place before, but now that I've lived here for a while I've grown to really love it. However... this job. Why I thought I'd like this job, I don't know. Why I thought I'd be good at this job, I don't know. Why I thought this job was worth packing up all my shit and moving to a whole new city, I don't know.
I want to quit this job SO BAD. And my desire to do that tripled today with this damn training. I don't want to do this. I can't do this. And it becomes more and more evident every day that I am burning out. At work I always slip into a state of semi-unconsciousness that I can't even begin to describe. It's like I'm not even there. And I hate that. I need to be able to focus at work, I need to be able to be alert and realize what I'm doing, because I've been making some extremely stupid mistakes because of this. And now because of this training, starting next week I'm going to have even more that I can screw up.
And it's affecting me at home too. I'm almost the same amount of unconscious at home as I am at work. Yesterday afternoon I stood in the shower for half an hour, only to realize later on that in the entire time I was in there, I never got around to actually washing my hair... the whole reason why I got in the shower in the first place. So my hair looked absolutely hideous today, by the way. I litterally just stood in the shower for half an hour doing nothing. And I didn't even realize it.
And I spend more time just sitting and staring at the wall than any human being should. I find it hard to watch TV. I basically can't watch TV anymore. I don't even know why the hell I have a TV. I don't have much of an appetite ever. After I come home from work, I don't ever feel like leaving my apartment again until the next morning when I have to. Nothing interests me anymore. I can't concentrate on anything. All I want to do is sleep. And when I can't sleep, all I do for hours is just lie in bed and stare at the ceiling.
This entry is getting long, I know, which is kind of silly because I just had one simple little point to make: I think I made a mistake. And I think I need to do something about it.