When was the last time I wrote an entry for the sole purpose of stating how much I hate myself and my life? I mean, really. A lot of times my entry may have that sort of undertone going on to it, but then I add something really stupid and goofy just to make people think I'm not totally miserable.

I don't know. This may end up like that too. But at the moment... yeah, I just want to say that I hate myself and I hate my life. My life has no meaning. And it has no meaning because I have no idea how to give it meaning. I don't even know exactly how much meaning my life would have to have before I'd even be able to acknowledge that it has meaning. I mean... my life probably has meaning now. I just can't feel it. And I want to be able to feel that I'm not totally wasting my time on this planet.

I don't even know what I want. I think that's what bothers me the most. I mean, I've pretty much always been the kind of person who is able to achieve whatever it is that I truly want. But I've almost pretty much always been the kind of person who has absolutely no idea what it is that I want. Well... I want to be happy. I want to feel something other than the constant disappointment that I do feel. But happiness is just such a vague goal. You can't be happy, no matter how much you want to be happy, if you have no idea how to get there.

Something happened today that upsets me. Actually, no, more accurately something DIDN'T happen today that upsets me. And I don't want to talk about it, because I'd just feel stupid if I did. Because it's very stupid. But it's more proof, as if I really needed yet more proof, that I just have no idea how to go about making my life more liveable.

Plus the fact that How Soon Is Now is STILL making me cry whenever I listen to it, or even think about it. Am I just overly emotional at the moment, or is that trying to tell me something?