I spent the night there, I got up this morning when he was still asleep and went on his computer. He has it set so that Firefox remembers his Facebook password so I decided to log into his account, mainly because I wanted to look at the profile of the girl that the Male really likes and that Capital City Guy is about to call social services on. Curiousity and all that, and it was innocent enough... HOWEVER... yeah, after that, while I went to log off and log on to my own Facebook, the inbox caught my eye. So I thought "Oh, I'll just take a quick look." Nothing interesting on the first page of messages, was gonna log off after that, but then I thought "Oh... I'll just look on the next page of messages..."
A series of messages from mid December from his ex-girlfriend. The one I have always suspected he was still in love with and was still seeing, despite denials from him. AND GUESS WHAT?!?!?!!?!?! At least until mid December, they WERE still seeing eachother. A message from him asking if she wanted to spend the night with him. A series of messages about how much they still love the other one. Then a couple messages about how if they can't commit fully to one another, they probably shouldn't commit at all. But how they'll always love eachother.
I. Broke. Down. HYSTERICAL crying. I'm talking HYSTERICAL. I woke him up with my crying. And, like... I'm not trying to play the victim here. I know that him and I were not together officially at all during this time, I know I've had things on the side that I've also been less than honest about, HOWEVER... none of that was love like what those two had/have. So it killed me to hear that up until 3 months ago and perhaps even more recently, they had been seeing eachother. It really really shook my confidence.
But of course, when he asked what was wrong, I couldn't tell him. I almost told him. If the messages had been more recent than 3 months ago, I definitely would have admitted I was snooping and told him. But I just needed to have myself a cry, try to figure out how this affected me, if it should affect me, how much right I actually have to be upset... And I've realized that Capital City Guy and I have always kept a lot of secrets from eachother, to spare the other one's feelings. We're both pretty screwed up and confused and conflicted and we're probably still doomed to failure, but we're finally in a committed relationship again, one that he initiated, and I have no reason to believe he's doing anything behind my back now. What's done is done, and their last message exchanged back in December did sound kinda final. But then I also know he clearly doesn't keep every single message so... I dunno.
I had my cry, it made me realize some things, and I'm fine now. The important thing is at this moment I love him, he loves me, and I have no reason to believe he's being unfaithful now, just like I'm not and won't be unfaithful to him as long as we're in a relationship. And there we go. I actually almost feel a little bit better now, because now there's not so much doubt.
But no more snooping at his Facebook again like EVER. Cuz clearly, it just does not pay off. Ignorance is bliss. And also I should give him the same courteousy I'd like him to give me. Although I'm not silly enough to make it so easy for him to snoop through my Facebook messages. Especially that one time he left that series of messages just open on his computer... stupid. And kinda just asking for it. That's what started all my snooping in the first place. I'm normally not like this.
Anyways, enough of me. I'm gonna do my own thing for a while, maybe meet up with Capital City Guy again this evening. We'll see.