Oh my god, this is so not what I came here to talk about at 6:00 in the morning on my unscheduled day off where, in normal circumstances, I would be asleep.
Last night I, uh... broke up with Capital City Guy. Yep. It didn't go overly well in my opinion, and I swear it just kinda sounded like I couldn't make up my mind as to why I thought it was necessary. Although he agreed on the whole thing about how we really have no long term potential so in a way it doesn't make much sense for us to be locked in to something. Every once in a while he gets on this kick where he wants to get married and have kids soon and... yeah. I'm just not right for that all over the place, and we both know that. Whereas I kinda just want to be free... I would like someone I could depend on, but I also just want to do my thing and stuff. I've grown to hate the fact and really resent him for great opportunities I've passed up because I was with him.
I feel so horrible all over the place, though. All three times (yeesh) I've broken up with him he's handled it waaaaaaaay too well. I really would have felt much better if he was all like "WELL FUCK YOU CRAZY BITCH!" cuz... yeah. That would have cemented my decision as being the right one. But he's always so understanding, so sweet, and when I start bawling hysterically he's always all "Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" And it makes me feel so bad and doubt my decision, like I'm giving up the greatest most understanding sweetest man in the world.
Anyways... after I got off the phone with him last night I was just in hysterics. I would classify that as a fairly moderate to major breakdown. It was the most feeling like I wanted to die that I've had in a while. I couldn't handle sitting in my room alone anymore, so I set off for a walk at 11:30 at night. Not reeeeally smart when you're a woman, alone, blinded by her own tears, and in a neighbourhood that's fairly sketchy at night. Anyways, this creepy man started following me WAY too closely and talking to me saying creepy-assed inappropriate stuff and I just didn't know what to do and I got pretty scared. I ended up taking off in a run down Capital City Guy's street and calling him and telling him what just happened. So he ran out to meet me and hung out for a little bit. We went to Tim Hortons then on the way back he asked if I wanted to be dropped off at home and I said no. I just didn't want to be alone again. So he, I realize now, quite reluctantly took me back to his place and we hung out and talked a little bit more about our situation... then he really wanted to take me home. And I really didn't want to go.
I must have looked fuckin' psycho and I think now something weird took over me and I probably legally could be classified as such, and I was just begging him to let me sleep on his couch. And he was just like "No, I really need to be alone and go to sleep. I'm taking you home." And then I was all "Well I don't need you to drive me home then, I'll walk." Despite what just happened, I for some reason really did not want him to just drive me home. But he didn't want me walking home considering the experience I just had and he pretty much demanded that he drive me.
Then when I got home I pretty much just passed the fuck out, exhausted by my temporarily lapse into insanity. I don't know why I took the break up that I initiated so damn hard, especially since my extreme unhappiness with him and our relationship for quite some time now... practically the whole time we've been together... is what prompted it. The majority of people I've told about him agree that he sounds like a bit of a selfish asshole and just all wrong for me all over the place. But... I dunno. I feel horrible and regretful and just like I'll never feel like I did the right thing by ending it. I hope that feeling goes away soon.