So, Capital City Guy and I have broken up. Probably just temporarily... I said I needed a break because I'm FUCKED and I need to figure out what I'm doing and how I'm feeling about things. And he kind of understood... except he doesn't think he's to blame for anything, and I beg to differ. But then after our long phone conversation with him asking a bunch of questions that I didn't exactly have coherant answers for, and me crying and just generally sounding like a fool... I went on Facebook and removed myself from the relationship. Now... I've discussed in here before how the infamous Facebook relationship status has taken on way too much importance in today's society... yeah, about 10 minutes later Capital City Guy called me back just absolutely livid. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE GOING TO DO THAT?! WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST FLAT OUT SAY YOU WERE BREAKING UP WITH ME!?"

More crying, more me just stumbling around trying to find the right words... eventually concluded that I'm going to take a week where he's not going to talk to me and I'm only going to talk to him if I crack... and I'll take that time to think and evaluate and stuff then take it from there. I mean... and I told him this and I think its evident to everyone that it's not just him and our relationship that is the problem. The fact that I just finished a brutal job hunt only to end up with a job that still doesn't totally eleviate my fear of being broke... the fact that over a month later I'm still as homesick and sad as I was on day one... the fact that I'm just LONELY as HELL and equally as scared... makes our situation seem that much worse. If the rest of my life were fine, I'd probably be content in our relationship. Not happy... but not miserable like I am right now. Everything is making it worse. If I were happy in other aspects of my life, though, I still might be considering breaking up with him, just because of the voice in my head and also the voices of many friends that constantly say "You can do better!"

Wow, I have cried A LOT today. Fuck this crying nonsense. I'm going to have the millions of red dots under my eyes tomorrow, I just know it. That is why concealer is my friend. But goddammit... I'm going to take this week of essentially being single (although my Facebook relationship status, after being blank for an hour and a half or so, is now "It's Complicated" cuz that's what he changed his to...) and make the most of it. Giggles comes tomorrow... we'll have not-too-crazy fun. And I have the full 40-hour work week this week. I haven't worked 40 hours since, um... well, it's been a while. It'll keep me busy. Then after work I can just relax... go for a walk or whatever... clear my head and try to get a rational grip on the situation. In a way I would have preferred it if I could have waited until I acutally knew what the hell I was saying to him before I said it, but that would have wasted time. I eventually kind of got my message across anyway. I just looked like a crazy idiot while doing it.