So I hung out with Fish again last night for a little while. I just... I can't... oh my god. Like... I can tell this guy would treat me like gold. He's so sweet, and he keeps driving all the way here to pick me up and stuff (he lives kind of in the boonies... the outskirts of Shitty McNutville, the neighbouring down of Nutty McShitville... it's a crazy drive)... he's very non-theatening, he likes me A LOT... but I decided to give him another chance in the sex department last night and... Oh. My. God. So. Bad. And, like... he's not even a good kisser. The first time he kissed me, when we were hanging out by the river drinking beer in this little hut-like thing and the stars were out and the town was all lit up and it was beautiful and it was such a romantic setting but then it was just like... what the hell was that, was that a kiss? It almost seemed like one but at the same time it was no where close.

I don't want to sound mean or petty here but at the same time... there really needs to be something there. And I've come to the conclusion that it's not just because this guy is following Capital City Guy, who in my mind is getting closer and closer to God-like status. IT'S BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING THERE! This guy... he'd make a great buddy. Great guy to kick back with, hang out, have some beer, shoot the shit... I don't think I could really see him as much more than that. God help me, I'm gonna try because I think this guy might be worth me really trying here... but I pretty much already know. So I'll keep trying while at the same time figuring out how to break it to him gently,

Like last night while we were all cuddled up watching a movie he was all like "So we're pretty much together now, right?" And my reaction pretty much could not have been more insensitive. I was pretty much like "Um... what? Um... it's only been a few days... um..." I could pretty much see his heart break in half right then and there. Then I was just like "It's going so well... let's just see what happens."

And my mind is in a million other places too. Still in steady contact with Four Night Stand Guy who is quite willing to drive 2 hours each way to see me. Capital City Guy and I have started messaging eachother again. I made the mistake of looking at some of Squinty's pictures on Facebook and I'm all "Goddamn, that is one fine piece of man." I haven't talked to him in about a month now, though. But, like, every once in a while I forget how hot he is, then I see a picture of him and I'm all "Daaaaaaamn." And good memories start flooding back. I conveniently forget all the bad ones. And there were plenty of bad ones with that guy.

Oh god. I dunno. I'm such a bad person sometimes. I won't see Fish today because I'm working late but he asked me to call him once I'm off. So I will. And... yeah. I dunno. I'll still keep trying with him.