So today's not going very well. I got myself looking all pretty and professional, ventured over to the Semi-Good Mall, applied at ONE place, had a MASSIVE anxiety attack, and then left. But, like, I went into this place and, seriously, in a voice that sounded like I was doing everything in my power trying not to cry, asked if they were hiring and if I could leave a resume with them. The person was very nice, and I'm sure I'm the only person who thought my voice sounded all weird, but it freaked me out enough that I had to leave. I don't know why I sounded like that. My face/head kinda hurt like I've just been crying as well. Why??

I mean, I was crying last night but... that was last night. 12 hours later, I should be recovered.

Oh, and why was I crying last night? Ugh. Unpleasantness. Friggin' Washington Boy and I were having some issues. And, it's like... I do not knowwwwww this guy... I've never actually mettttt this guy... we've talked so much that I feel like I know him, though, and he feels like he knows me. And there was hurt and unplesantness going on. Like... I had told him about how I had sex with the Fireman a couple days ago, and ever since then Washington Boy has been acting really distant. So I was talking to him last night, I was just like "How come you don't have as much to say to me the last couple days?" and he told me it was because he was hurt that, after me and him had gotten so intimate... well, as intimate as two people can get on MSN... that I'd just go and sleep with some other guy. And it's like... well... you're in another country. I know he's interested in the idea of a long distance relationship, and it's something I'd consider too, although not until I actually met him in person (which may or may not happen sometime next month...). And he started saying how he wasn't sure he wanted to get involved with me at all, since I had done that and how I guess I was already building some issues with him not being able to trust me because of that.

And I just freaked out. I started bawling. And I started with the "No one understands me or what I do. NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO LOVE ME!" thing, which is typically just reserved for when I'm drunk but seemed extremely relevant in this situation as well. And I think I made him feel bad for being so quick to want to toss me aside. He said something about me having won that conversation, and today he's been text messaging me a lot. But, you know... say I do get into an actual relationship with this guy. I think it's a stretch, but it's a possibility because he's really great. IF I HAVE A REASON NOT TO SLEEP AROUND, I WON'T. Simple as that. I do it now because I'm lonely, I'm depressed, and it's something that makes me feel good. I told him this, and how I have problems that are just beyond comprehension, but how I'm making active attempts to change myself, change my life... all that.

So I don't know. Whatevs.

Anyways, in the middle of writing all that, I got a phone call from a potential employer, wanting to schedule an interview for tomorrow. And hey, it's non-retail so how 'bout them apples? It's not the easiest place in the world for me to get to, but whatever. We'll see, we'll see.

So, yeah, I'm gonna try and find some places to apply at online this afternoon, since I seem to be having extreme anxiety issues today. At least it's still something. And, hey, I do have that interview tomorrow. Maybe Emu is starting to get somewhere.