Actually, this evening was just really great. I wanted to wait for the sun to go down a bit so I could go for a walk without dying... so at around 8 I head out... grabbed some supper cuz I realized I hadn't really eaten anything since noon... then wandered around downtown. Beautiful evening, just the right temperature for a nice long walk. I hung out and watched a juggler down by the harbour for a while... then I bought a Slurpee, wandered around some more, and eventually made it home. Now here I am. And I just feel good tonight.
Downtown there were lots of happy couples together, walking and holding hands and I felt a twinge of jealousy, I felt like I should be there with someone too, but I got over it. I've realized today something that really bothers me about my relationship with Capital City Guy... nothing has changed since we made it official. I guess I expected something to be different. I expected us to become closer or something. But no, I can't say that's happened. The only thing that has changed is that we can no longer see other people. And I think I kind of resent him for that. It seems like he's been calling all the shots here. When I wanted to be exclusive, he didn't so I just went with it. Now all of a sudden he wanted to be exclusive and I just feel he's made these decisions with only himself in mind. I still think he asked me to be his girlfriend because he was starting to feel threatened by what I had going with Prince Albert. And, like... give me the two of them side by side and tell me to pick one, and I'd choose Prince Albert pretty much hands down. But in my situation I have now I chose Capital City Guy just because I'm alone in a strange city and I felt I really needed someone to be there for me and to love and support me while I try to establish myself. But he hasn't really done that for me. I still kind of just feel like we just have a fuck buddy relationship going on here, and not much more.
All that being said, I do know he loves me. And I know I love him. But as we discussed a while ago, and nothing regarding this has changed... we're not actually right for eachother. There will always be something missing.
Everything will be better once I have a job. I'll meet new people, start to establish my own life... all that stuff. Also once I have a job I'd like to maybe see if I can do some volunteering or something too once I know what kind of schedule I'm going to have. Just another way to find friends, and it looks good on the old resume and stuff. I keep reminding myself that I moved here for a better life, not to just be a different kind of miserable. I wanna have some fun, do something that I can feel good about.
Thing 1 asked me to come visit her in the Big City this week, but I don't think I will. Lack of money and desire and the like. I might be going to Nutty McShitville again this weekend for a former co-worker's birthday party, but I haven't decided this for sure yet. Again because of lack of money. Not so much lack of desire for that one, though. And... oh, I have a lunch date with my cousin on Thursday. I dunno if I mentioned how I have a cousin living in Capital City, but I do. I haven't seen her in probably about 7 years. She's a lot older than me, and she's kind of the black sheep of the family as well. So all this could be interesting. And Giggles is coming to visit me and her boyfriend next week. And that's what's going on with me for the next little while.