Management took me aside today, because I know I looked as miserable as I felt, to ask what was wrong. And I felt stupid telling them "I'm upset because my old job wouldn't take me back and now I have to keep working here where I'm barely making ends meet and I'm miserable all the time", but that's basically what I said. And now management is all concerned "We don't want to lose you... is there anything we can do to make it better here for you?" Yeah. Raise my pay by about 5 bucks an hour, and move the store closer to where I live. Oh, and get rid of the customers. Then I'd be good.
I'm angry at myself for being as upset as I am, but... I can't help it. I mean... I wanted it so bad. Not because of the job itself... I mean, it was the job itself that made me quit before. But I wanted everything else about the job. I wanted the guaranteed 40 hours per week, the better pay, the better location. It's a bullshit job, though, even more so than the job I have now. So I shouldn't be sad. I should take this as a sign that it just flat out wasn't meant to be.
So I need to re-evaluate things now. I had planned, even when I quit that damn job back in the summer, to go back to it in the New Year. But now the powers that be have told me I can't, and I need to figure out what to do now. I really can't stay at the job I'm at now. I don't care how much management semi-pleaded with me today not to leave. They even told me that a couple of semi-management positions were going to come up soon that I could try for, it would guarantee me more hours and likely a raise too but... no. First of all, I doubt I'd get it. Secondly, I don't want it. And thirdly... no. Just no. I told management today too... I'm just not the right personality type for this kind of job. Some people are just made for this. I'm not. No matter how much I try, I just cannot give a shit about this job. About the customers. About the merchandise. About anything. I do not care.
Like... I didn't actually tell management that one of the reasons I can't go on with this job is because I don't care about anything, because I thought that would just be too horrible. I just said that I was shy and found interacting with people all day long to be very difficult. Which is true too, to a degree. But it's considerably lower down on my list as to why I don't want this job anymore. Mainly it's just the money, the location, my total lack of caring, and the fact that I hate the retail industry as a whole. I can't legitimately use shyness as an excuse. I do credit working at jobs like this for considerably bringing me out of my shell, and you'd be hard pressed to find a job where you didn't have to interact with people at all anyway. Although if anyone does know of a job like that... sign me up.
Anyways... I need to e-mail my mom now to tell her all this. I wonder what she'll say.