So I went over to Capital City Guy's place last night, cuz he just got his new mini laptop to replace his big ol' gaming computer and I wanted to see it, cuz I'm probably gonna have to get a new computer soon and I'm considering one of those, cuz my needs are simple, I basically just use my computer for the internet. Anyways, he was playing around with that and I wanted to do something on Facebook so it said to use his old computer, cuz it's still hooked up. So I went on there and he had 17 thousand tabs open on Firefox, one of which being his Facebook so I just clicked on that tab to use to log into my account. And I found myself staring at a series of messages between him and some chick.
He was in the bathroom at the time, so I had a chance to quickly read these messages and the jist of the thing is... apparently they hung out some time last week, kind of a date-like thing I guess, and on Saturday they had arranged to meet up and, well, hook up. Only thing is... Capital City Guy got cold feet and didn't show up. So she was pissed. And he was all explaining that he decided he didn't feel comfortable fooling around with someone that he wasn't interested in, in a long term kind of thing, and that if she could forgive him for standing her up, he'd like to just be friends. But she sounded pretty pissed, so I don't know how well that's gonna work. But like... it's so out of character for him to flake out on something, and he even said that. He often just flat out says "No, I don't want to" but to say he'll do something then not show up... that's not the Capital City Guy I know.
Anyways, this leads back to Sunday night and a conversation we had, which no doubt was sparked by Saturday night's incident, or lack of incident, with this girl. He asked me if I had gone on any dates since we had "broken up" (term used loosely because to the untrained eye, we are still very much a couple) and I was like "Um... have you?" And he was like "Uh... yeah, a couple." And I was like "Oh. Well I haven't really gone on anything I'd consider an actual date, but I've hung out with a couple different guys." And he was like "Oh, okay, well by that definition I haven't gone on any dates either."
Then, yeah, the past few days he's been clingier than usual, telling me he loves me more than usual and has also taken to regularly telling me that I'm his favourite person. Sooooo... I dunno. I hope I'm not being too conceited in thinking that maybe being so close to hooking up with someone else made him uncomfortable and made him realize just how much he loves me and isn't interested in anyone else. And, like, this realization, perhaps mixed with some guilt as well, as caused him to act the way he's been acting this week. I'm not saying this is a good thing or a bad thing, I'm just saying it's a thing and it would definitely explain his behaviour.
I want to further talk to him about this, leaving out the fact that I read his private messages, but it's a little too close to the very very bad conversation we had a while ago where he said that he couldn't keep seeing me in a romantic way because it made it too hard for him to try to find someone new when he still had feelings for me. Loyal readers will recall I cried for days, finally accepted it, then our attempt to hang out as "just friends" ended up with us in bed together, admitting we couldn't resist the other one. So, like, if we go through a similar conversation again, it will either result in us officially becoming a couple again, or completely cutting the other one from our lives. And I don't want either one.
I mean, like... yes, I've had sex with a couple of other guys since we "broke up". I wasn't totally comfortable with it and have since turned down several opportunities to do so again. And Capital City Guy doesn't know about this and I don't want to tell him because I think it would hurt him, even though we're not tied to eachother anymore and have an unspoken understanding that we can and should see other people. Oh it's all very very VERY COMPLICATED and it hurts my head.
Anyways, I really do need to go lie down now. I was thisclose to passing out at work today. I feel all kinds of not well.