Yesterday I had SUCH a good day. After my last entry I went back to bed and slept until 11. Then I got up, got dressed, picked up some beer to give to Capital City Guy later as a "Sorry I'm psycho" present, then walked to the mall where Giggles' works and hung out there for a few hours. Talked to her for a bit, wandered around, had a hot dog, had work call me and ask me to come in today, all that good stuff. Then me and her went back to her place, hung out and drank beer... and I could get all cuddly with ADD 100% guilt free then I left around 9:30 to go home to pick up that beer and go see Capital City Guy, and the two of them went to a bar. And it was all good. Good day, good day.

BUT THEN! BUT THEN!

Yeah. Things were not so great with Capital City Guy and this is not what I wanted at all. I wanted things to go back to how they were before we started this whole silly relationship thing, and not be all kind of weird and awkward and sad and with us barely even touching eachother like it actually was. We hung out and talked, he had a couple of beers, we went for a walk, he kind of awkwardly determined that I'd be going home afterwards and... yeah. I just wanted our expectations to go away, our fights to go away, our feelings of being attached to something that wasn't worth it to go away... but I guess I'm pretty silly for thinking that way. So I came home feeling all shitty and depressed and I cried myself to sleep and I woke up early all crying and I'm crying right now and just... ugh. Ugh. I barely got any sleep.

I love the guy so much that this is really killing me right now. I mean, I was so unhappy before but at least I had him. Now I'm just a different kind of unhappy and without him. I know I chose this but oh my god, it's just so fucking hard right now I could die.

I wish I could have slept more. I got up about an hour earlier than I needed to, and I was awake several hours later than I needed to be. Work today is gonna suck, I'm probably going to be on the verge of tears the entire time. I often start crying at work even on a relatively good day, just because I have so much time to sit there thinking about stuff. And I have lots of sad-assed songs on my mp3 player too that will likely spark all kinds of emotions in me today. Oh god. Even though I need the money, I hope they don't need me at work tomorrow because I need to get the fuck out of here as soon as possible. If they don't need me tomorrow, I'm leaving town tonight.